Although, each chord change pains my fingertips and the neuropathy has left my hands numb yet tingly. An audiologist has confirmed that I have moderate to severe hearing loss in certain frequency ranges as a result from the extraordinary amount of platinum coming out of my body. A constant ringing of super-high pitched shrills now has me asking people to repeat themselves on a daily basis. But as if out of no where, among the pain and anguish, a voice emerges. One that I have never heard before, and it begins to sing.
It's the first time I've ever attempted to sing and play a song on the guitar. The song happens to be a love song, it is titled Sideways. I don't know why of the many songs to learn I picked this song to play and sing, but it is associated with a very special memory. I was first introduced to this song a few years back. I had the pleasure of seeing it performed live by Citizen Cope at Stubbs in Austin. It was a concert I was reluctant to attend, I'd never heard of the artist before, but was madly in love at the time and also deeply confused about my relationship. In an attempt to appease my girlfriend I had agreed to go. I didn't realize at the time how special this song would become through this cancer battle.
I've never seen any of the many x-rays or scans of my cancerous tumors but I hear there are plenty of them. There are some so special that I don't even need to see them in print to know they are there. One such tumor has metastasized near my heart and pains me more than others at times. It brings a new meaning to the word 'heartache' for me. Alas, it is there for an important reason. It is there to remind me that disease can takeover your heart if you let it. Both love and cancer have forever changed this man. In this case it has helped me find a voice I didn't know was there.
This cancer is just as much a lesson in love as it is a lesson in life for me. In the most dis-eased state of my life I've learned such a valuable lesson. I now know that a healthy cell is a loving cell. So you can bet that I've been doing plenty of lovemaking lately, it just happens to be on the cellular level.
-Joel C. Diaz II
Mexican Armstrong
